Tuesday, February 22, 2011

liberating masochism

i was asked why i did the suspension or why this whole thing started. i recently just remembered when i was young why i feel like taking insane amounts of pain is liberating. when i was living at my parents house at not sure what age my father would hit me with a board. he wouldn't use his hand because i would just laugh, or fake cry to pretend that it was effective. he used a cutting board that eventually broke, since its main purpose isn't to violently modify your child's behaviour. he one time in a scramble to find something to punish me with pulled out a metal pan. i thought it was so fucked up that he used a pan and so painful that i went back and told him that i didn't fucking care and told him to hit me with the pan. i didn't cry or resist while he hit me. i looked at him and he knew that he was fucked up. i felt like it was very liberating to be able to take whatever he punished me with and not falter or change my independence. taking large amounts of pain can make me feel like i can take anything in a normal situation because i have been through intense pain with emotional control. the volume of life's daily events gets turned down.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

my old scholarship essay

this paper was written by me when i was graduating for a scholarship, it was edited by my councilor for better money gaining effect. she edited it by putting sentences in to make it "less edgey". i didn't put my diploma up in my room, i actually just kept in the paper envelope that it came in and wrote "12 YEARS OF MY LIFE" on it. storage for the day that some asshole employer would ask me for the diploma


Hello my name is Syd. The following is a short story of what i have had to go through (outside of the classroom) to complete my high school diploma.

i moved out of my parents' home and supervision when i was sixteen. From that point on, i have been totally on my own. i moved in with a family in Kearns and traveled to cotton wood high school everyday to attend school. i found out that when you live with a family they they usually try to mold you into their morals and beliefs. i moved out two months later because of our differences. next, i moved in closer to my high school, living with a broken family. the family had a single mother and five kids to take care of. somehow she was generous enough to let me sleep on her couch. i got a job at a subway in the downtown area. i had to travel far distances without a car or enough money to pay bus fare. i only had a a skate back to my house 3900 s at one in the morning. when i went to school in the morning, i didn't have enough sleep to concentrate in class. problems arrived at my house and forced me out. i was back to searching for a new place to sleep. being underage disables you from renting your own room, so to be able to sleep inside you have to look around for a person kind enough to let you sleep on their couch at night. the couch i found was in a party house in the salt lake city downtown area. the distance forced me to transfer schools. so, i mover to east high school. i paid my first my first month of rent with most of my old video games and music cds that i had. when th people in the house went under they moved to layton, forcing me into another house filled with strangers. i paid two hundred and fifty dollars monthly to sleep on a new couch. ln day (without notice ) my roommate got evicted and took all of my things. in the midst of turmoil, my educational plans fell by the wayside. i moved in with one of my classmates. his family and i held very different religious views. we agreed to disagree and i moved into a house full of my (now) best friends. things finally started looking up for me when i started attending school at horizonte south city. it was much easier to et sleep with the adjustable schedules that south city gave me. through horizon i graduated early and now my diploma is hanging in my room.

although my life has not been easy, i have managed to find my way. i have enrolled in salt lake city community college and plan to transfer to the university of utah to get a degree in art. i finally have the job i was seeking for years, a sushi apprentice. i know i will be able to work my way up to sushi chef. the added income will enable me to pay for college. above all, i have gained a sense of pride in myself and my own accomplishments. i know that i can depend upon myself. my independence will drive me toward success in life.

thank you for considering me for your scholarship. it is reassuring to know that Horizonte believes in me as much as i have come to believe in myself.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

job in oregon / diy suspension piercing

we had a figure drawing class hosted by matt delporto. there was a few people that just saw the community calendar and decided to join in on the class. almost everyone modeled for the figure drawing class. it was great to be able to have so many different people.

after the session we -- i have oingo boingo, little girls running through my head right now -- bike rode back home as we were leaving the driveway nope said to stop. he pointed to a little owl in the tree that was looking at us. it was very cute and small. it fluttered away. nope said it was a good sign. and not that its really related because i dont really believe in good or bad just perspective but when i got home coleman told me that a guy from oregon said that i got a job and they had a salary offer. this made me react in a few different ways all at once i 1. jumped up and down 2. fluttered my feet in the air 3. squealed like a small child. i called them back talking to luke he was very positive and stoked on having me up in oregon he told me "buy your ticket tonight"

last time i got my first sushi job trevor and i were walking to school and we saw a Blue Jay. trevor told me that something good is going to happen today. i called the sushi bar again and he told me to come in, later that night which led me to actually working there.

looking up corvallis there is many environmentally conscious people. there are many wildlife preserves and trails to take. biking is very welcomed there. its a five hour bike to get to the beach and a three hour to get to eugene. i can use the university library. im just going to focus on making art, reading theory and some fiction, and riding my bike, besides working full time. im really excited to experience in depth a place like corvallis, which also has the lowest amount of religious people in the us.

eric, gudj, and i went hiking up a mountain to 'the living room' we hiked up this ridge that was mainly very inclined. at the top of the ridge eric told us he wanted to start running up the ridge as me and gudj walked to catch up. eric is extremely well conditioned in trail running. when we got to the spot on the mountain it was untouched except for a few slabs that were organized into seats with arm rests. we started to think about going up higher until it started snowing then we quickley ran down in a sking fashion. running down dodging rocks and using the flat verticle surfaces at high speeds to keep control. when we stopped to wait for baby tooth and gudj eric said that running down mountains is one of is most favorite things to do in life.

we then went to evergreen to get food. there we had three meals all shared in the center. i talked to miss tu and told her i was leaving to oregon for a job. she told me that in the summer she wants me to come live with her in california and she will take care of me. i want to teach her sushi asp. she told me to come in on wednesday for a going away party and to invite all my friends. she is very nice to me. ms tu is a really genuinely nice person.


today i got to reconnect with ex partner felicia. it was really good to see her. i couldnt really imagine that it was happening, i just thought i probably was not going to be on good terms with her again. im glad that she is forgiving and that i have changed also. we walked downtown and talked about what we have been up to. after a time of visiting a book store, and a gallery we came back to boing. there i talked to Fuck Wolf and Gudj about sharpening the hooks i have for a suspension piercing. they said that we could have the suspension today if i tried. fuck wolf got out the sharpening machine thing and i sharpened the hooks, after felicia got out of school we went to get tough rope, gloves, bandaids, and alcohol (to get fucked up on) for the sanitation. on the phone before she was leaving i she asked if i had done the suspension i told her i was waiting for her, she responded ' i would throw up all over you' i told here ' there is probably a fetish for vomitting on someone who is being suspended' i showed eric and gudj the videos of hooks and the piercing. we watched a video when it went wrong and they ripped and the guy fell for three reasons 1. the man was very obese 2. the ban was moving his legs around and kicking. 3 the crane he was attached to was making him bounce and stopped him which made them break. this video taught us there is a high level of weight that can be applied to the skin. eric drew out the line and the piercing points. while fuck wolf tied the knotes to the hook in the arch way. we used a curler bar to hold up the triangle. we got downstairs i got undress and eric sat down on my back while they both clamped and stuck the hook into my skin. it felt like a white pain if that makes sense, it stunge going in and going through. they had to push at the end because we didnt have a hallow needle. it made a popping noise that was equivalent to seven zitts. after all them were in i sat trying to relax. after a time gudj and fuckwolf pulled on the ropes to check the stretch when they started doing this i felt something release inside my head it felt great and i felt just really crazy it was the endorphines. i stepped up on a milk crate and fuck wold tied me onto the curling bar. i slowley jointed my knees as it went into a numb basic pulling of the skin. tip toeing on the ground they pulled the milk crate out. i asked them to pull up my feet to my ass. they helped and then i asked to let go. i was in the air. i was fully supended. i pulled my knees up and flashed the devil horns. fifteen minutes went by. aug was asking me questions i told him my arms were losing circlation and he ask me how else my body felt, right when he asked me that i saw blue in my vision. i told me i would like to get down im seeing blue. i might pass out. cut the rope as they calmly helped me down i sat down as slowly my vision came back.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

tramp quotes / anti civ quotes

we just watched a movie about tramps and there was some pretty cool quotes that i want to loosely quote from what i remember.

"they say we are free. i see all these rules and regulations, then when you start critisizing they start waving that flag"

"they say this country is built on hard work and perseverance, thats a damn lie, this country was stolen on mayhem, slavery, and exploitation.

"you see some land that is just sitting there doing nothing and instead of just giving it to you he wants you to work thirty five years of your life"

"if you ask me to do anything i would do it as long as you ask me, but if you tell me i Have to do it, there is just something inside me that just says Fuck You... thats how i have always been."

"i hade a broa- lady a real beautiful blonde, i was living with here in a house near the train yard. i would hear the trains and wonder where my friends were on the rails. eventually i just got sick of living there. and now i'm riding"


Neanderthals did not paint their caves with the images of animals. but perhaps they had no need to distill life into representations, because its essences were already revealed to their senses. the sight of a running herd was enough to inspire a surging sense of beauty. they had no drums or bone flutes, but they could listen to the booming rhythms of the wind, the earth, and each other's heartbeats, and be transported.

- james shreeve

Industrial technology is by nature exploitative and destructive of the material that are necessary to maintain it.

- richard t. lapiere

"To be civilized is to hold oneself in opposition to nature, which is to hold oneself in opposition to oneself, to be ashamed of the animality of the self, which to the fully civilized means the 'filth' of the self. All of this destroys any possibility of communication or entering into communion with anyone but other civilized humans.
If we listen to the creatures and to the elements, and even to our bodies, we are then primitive, backwards. So we learn very early to put that away. We learn to despise ourselves and to feel ashamed of our bodies, to hate the dirt and to hate everything about us, because we're human, which means we're humus: they come from the same Latin root: earth and dirt.
But self-loathing is a difficult thing to acknowledge - maybe the most difficult - so all those characteristics we must loathe if we are to be civilized, if we are to dominate, get dumped into others who bear the shame and who end up feeling dirty."

- Jane Caputi

Friday, February 4, 2011

tazer test / friend's dreams

a few days ago my friend said we had a tazer in the house. the tazer was margies so we called here and asked here where it was. after acquiring the tazer eric asked me if he could tazer me and i was so stoked i told him 'ok let me go poop first so i dont shit my pants!' i took off my shirt in the kitchen as one of the travelers came into the room not noticing what was going on he started talking to me about how he was going to fix the window -- and stopped "whats going on?... oh he is going to tazer you. i can wait." i said that its important to test these things incase you actually need to use them in real life you need to know what its capable of. i slapped my arm where i wanted to be tazed and eric tazed me for less than a second i yelped for him to do it again and longer. the tazer was so weak it felt as though two tooth picks were pinching my arm and not much more. if someone where to attack you and you used that as self defense they would be more malicious than if you had nothing.


i dont really think dreams are very significant other than just interesting things your uncontrolled (sub)conscious is working out.

gudj who has a gauged ceptom peircing in the middle of his nose said that he was having a dream of 'road kill, or dirty cunt'. he said that it always happens when the peircing falls out of his nose hole when he is sleeping.

aug was talking about how he thought that at one point that his dreams were revelations of him being psychic. he said that in this time he dreamed of a man that was on a top of a crane and demanding for things threatening his suicide. he later saw on the tv that what he was dreaming about was actually being reported on in the news. the next night when he was sleeping he awoke to npr playing while he was sleeping and realized that the dream was just channeling npr reports.